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Weird noises in the night

Tuesday, January 25 2005 - blog

Warning:this post might be considered by some to be somewhat off-color, so ifyou’re unprepared to read about some of the more unpleasant realitiesof modern urban living, I would suggest that you point your browser here instead.

Last night, at about 1:30 AM, I was awakened by the sounds of my upstairs neighbors having particularly loud sex.

Atleast, I’m pretty sure that’s what they were doing. It’s entirelypossible that these fine people were simply conducting repeated loadtesting of their new inner spring mattress. But somehow I doubt that.What I heard was a metallic “EEE-ert” noise that went something likethis:

 

EEE-ert.
EEE-ert.

EEE-ert. EEE-ert. EEE-ert.

EEE-ert. EEEert. EEEert.
EEEertEEEertEEEertEEEertEEEert
EEEertEEEerEEEeertEEE-ERT!
</silence>

 

I dunno; sounds like sex to me. For the Jean-Pierre Jeunet fans in house, it was straight out of Delicatessen.

I’ma little bit disturbed, because I’m not quite sure how to handle thesituation if it persists. Keep in mind that I just moved in to thisbuilding and do not actually know these people. In fact, I’venever even seen them before and would be completely unable to pick themout of a lineup if such an opportunity were to be afforded to me. SoI’m going to pose an open question to the readers of this blog: what dowe think we should do here?

 

Hardto say, but I’m pretty sure I don’t want my first words to these peopleto be “Hey, I’m Steve and I can hear you when you’re f*cking.”

Tagged as:

#1 haacked@gmail.com (Haacked) on 1.25.2005 at 10:07 PM

Hmmm, leave a note offering to help them find a Tempurpedic bed.Or leave a can of WD40 with a helpful note describing how to use it to reduce the noise produced by rusty springs.

#2 Haacked on 1.25.2005 at 10:58 PM

Pound on your ceiling

#3 Chui on 1.26.2005 at 1:49 AM

A polite note suggesting that they try somewhere more creative?

#4 William T on 1.26.2005 at 2:32 AM

“Hey, I’m NOT Steve and I canNOT hear you when you’re NOT f*cking.”Make them think...Throw them off...Lets hope they spend the rest of their nights figuring out what the hell you are trying to say.

#5 Brian Vargas on 1.26.2005 at 7:03 AM

Based on the number of "EEE-ert," you should publically ridcule them for such a short performance.In the best case, you'll embarass them so much they'll quiet down.In the worst case, you'll have greatly improved their sex life - although you'd have to listen to it more.In that case, perhaps you should fall back to the good old bang-the-broom-handle-on-the-ceiling standby.Just so you know I'm not simply talking here, I had a similar experience once.However, instead of neighbors, it was with a college roommate, meaning he was in the same room with me at the time.It was also a 17-EEE-ert scenario, and the public humiliation worked just fine.Oh well.Easy come, easy go.

#6 Don Demsak on 1.26.2005 at 8:23 AM

Next time, record the "episode", burn it to a CD and anonymously mail it too them, with a polite letter notifying them that this is what you hear at night.Depending on the arrangement of apartments, they may not be able to tell who sent the CD.The other option is to record it and then wait until they have company over, and then blast on your stero.Not as subtle, but it should work.

#7 Rory on 1.30.2005 at 7:12 PM

My neighbors went straight over my head and reported the noise to management.We didn't actually realize how loud we were, but I guess the walls are paper thin, and everybody was able to hear *everything* (including all the slippy-slappy sounds).We have since taken to having quieter sex, although I kind of wish my neighbors had spoken to me before going to management (just to help you make your decision). Management didn't do anything anyway."Rory - this is Ben down in the office, and we've had some complaints about, er, well, 'night-time activity noises' coming from your apartment.""That's understandable," I said. "I'm a great lover."[click]Then it made me hate my neighbors because they weren't willing to even leave me a note rather than "tattle." Had they contacted me directly, I probably wouldn't be giving them constant shit now about how playing Cher on repeat at 4:00 AM isn't a very nice thing to do when the walls are so thin.On those nights, though, I just rely on the moans of passion to drown out the remix of "Do you believe in life after love" (which just happens to be an offensively stupid song to begin with).So, yeah.I'd contact them directly (even an anonymous note is fine), and then I'd turn down the Cher. It's entirely possible that they aren't aware of how much noise they're making.If it continues, then turn the Cher back up and consider leaving a bag of your own feces at their door with a note that says "Freshly baked cookies for my favorite neighbors."If you don't feel comfortable leaving your own feces, then using someone else's is fine, too.Wow. This comment is just getting more and more fucked up, isn't it?

#8 Walker Wells on 2.02.2005 at 2:37 AM

This post and the ensuing comments have made my night.Too funny.Strangely enough, my neighbors, a friendly African American couple, got into a gawd damned ghetto brawl tonight.I am sorry, I do not mean to be in anyway stereotypical, but this fight was the most stereotypical Law and Order Hyde Park domestic abuse ebonics-flinging fight ever.I swear, shit was breaking all over the place, with the poor girl shreiking, "I'll kill that bitch!" over and over.Minutes later, it was clear that the man of the house had been locked out, because he kept yelling "Oh no you didn't!" repeatedly, and banging on his door.This fight went on in episodes for hours.I was thoroughly impressed.Ok, so Steve here is your answer.If the noisy sex continues, here is what you need to do.Steve you are a young, wealthy techno geek so I am sure you have some sweet ass speakers, and I am sure you can hook them up to a microphone.You need to turn your speakers and especially your bass up until they are going to rock the damn block.Let the speakers simmer, crackling silently with white noise, ready to let loose.When the "ert-eerts" start to pick up, and you are sure they have really engaged in coitus, you need to start letting your opinions be heard."Not in that hole, pretty boy!!""This is God.I forbid this.Seriously.""Noo.Noo.No, not like that.Like this: Ni!""... I like big butts and I cannot lie..."You basically get the idea.I wonder what the result would be.I mean, you are simply offering interference to their own noise nuisance... or, just having some fun private Karioke time that just happened while they were having sex...Of course, UChicago's famed Ronald Coase (true, I guess LSE also claims him) would predict with his Coase theorem that between the two parties, some money should change hands to make the nuisance worthwhile.So Steve what you need to do is decide how much these clowns should pay you to have sex loudly above you for you to be cool with it.And then you need to figure out how much you would pay them to stop.Then hear their offers for the same-- how much would they pay to be able to continue, and how much would you have to pay them to stop?If the ammount you would pay them to stop isn't high enough to induce them to stop, then theoretically, they should be willing to pay you whatever it would take to make it ok with you for them to continue...That's right, Coase won a nobel prize for this...Perhaps I am not doing it justice.:)Then again, if you and the copulating neighbors are not of relatively equal net worthes, then the "wealth affect" or "endowment affect" will probably skew your results.And there are transaction costs to consider: how much would you pay someone else to confront the problem for you...? Yup, go with the speakers and the bass rumble.Pretend to be Jehova.It'll work dude.Guilt + embarrassment always make female screamers be quiet.if not, your taunts that he has a small weener and that you have "been there, done that" will totally take the air out of his sails.

#9 Don Demsak on 2.15.2005 at 6:54 PM

So what was the your solution?We all are waiting!

#10 Tom on 5.08.2005 at 11:51 AM

interesting post.looks like it's been a few months.my money is on that the couple above broke up or stayed together but dramatically reduced their intensity (inverse of moore's law) meaning your problem was solved without any external intervention?